The caring cyber-parent

Talk to your kids early and often about Internet safety

Always vigilant: As part of his job with the Chattanooga Police Department, Sgt. Bryan Moody spends time in the classroom teaching kids about cyber-safety. And as the parent of daughters Makayla, 14, and Madison, 10, he spends time at home monitoring their online activity. It doesn’t always win him popularity points with his kids, he says, but he’s willing to take heat.

By Janis Hashe

Photos by Julie Hogue

Though caring moms and dads know that good parenting now includes understanding and monitoring what your kids are doing online and with their iPods and cell phones, it’s still tempting sometimes to bury your head in the sand, saying, “My child’s a good kid. She won’t do anything wrong.”
But a recent experience in my own family has raised this issue yet again—and taught me that even a loving, well-intentioned family is sometimes not enough to protect naïve youngsters from getting into trouble online or via cell phone.
The Boys & Girls Clubs of America reports that, “A recent survey of young people revealed some startling statistics about how parents are supervising their children’s online time. More than half of young people (53 percent) say their parents never ask them about whom they are talking to on the Internet, and 55 percent say their parents never surf the Internet with them.”
A major concern is that technology changes so quickly that parents (many of whom remain committed technophobes) feel they cannot keep up. But all the experts I spoke with emphasized and re-emphasized one thing: You cannot really feel your child is safe if you do not understand what they are doing and how.

Begin the conversation early

Parents and experts alike cast a resounding vote for communicating with your kids about this issue, and for following up with continuing conversations about it. Dan Rauzi, senior director of technology programs for the BGCA, told me: “Children are bombarded by media. You must talk with them about their exposure to it and what they are doing with it. Ultimately, the only thing they walk out the door with is the education you give them.”
Rauzi suggests that parents can be raise some issues by using the child’s friends as an example, rather than the child herself—as in, “What did you think when so-and-so posted that?”
Chattanooga dad Scott Fleming maintains what he calls “a very conservative approach” to his four children’s access to technology, but he keeps the lines of communication open. “If one of our kids comes to us with a question, we ask questions before being judgmental,” he says. “We always want them to be able to come to us and say, ‘Daddy, what does this mean?’” Fleming says he found “inappropriate language” in the chat room associated with his younger son’s “Runescape” gaming site, and explained to his son that because of this, he would no longer be allowed to go to that site. “But we emphasized, ‘We are not punishing you,’” he said.
Of course, kids don’t always see it that way, and parents need to be prepared to take the heat. Sgt. Bryan Moody of the Chattanooga Police Department is one of several officers who have gone through extended training on cyber-safety and preventing online predation. He’s also the parent of two girls, 9 and 14, and says that while one accepts his rules about online usage calmly, the other raises the familiar protests of “Why can’t I do what so-and-so does?” and “You’re just being mean to me.”
But Sgt. Moody continues to talk to his daughters. “I tell them, ‘Anytime you get on the Internet, you are vulnerable. And there are bad people out there.’”
One very important point, the experts agree, is maintaining these conversations in a way that reassures your kids you are protecting, not punishing them. Though they may resist, they do understand that that is your job as a parent.

Close at hand: Chattanooga dad Scott Fleming (background) says he takes “a very conservative approach” to his kids’ online activity—he closely monitors their activity, but he’s careful to keep the lines of communication open so his children understand his concerns and restrictions. In the foreground, two of his four children, Joshua, 11, and Abigail, 8, work on the computer.

Facebook, chat rooms, gaming

Sarah O’Leary Burningham, whose recent book Boyology includes a section on “e-love,” researches her books by communicating with 2,000 teenagers. “It’s very naïve to assume that your child is not online, no matter what the rules are in your own home,” she says. “You need to be upfront with them from the beginning and talk to them about safety and appropriate behavior.”
Like several of the experts I interviewed, Burningham strongly recommends that one of the conditions of your child creating a Facebook page is that you are one of their “friends” on the page. “One parent, for example, found that one of her child’s friends had posted an inappropriate comment. The parent then spoke to her son, saying, ‘We don’t talk like that.’” Another parent found an inappropriate video, but before calling her child’s friend’s parents, told her child. The video was taken down.”
Susan Shankle, co-author of What in the World Are Your Kids Doing Online?: How to Understand the Electronic World Your Children Live In emphasizes, “Kids’ brains are not completely formed, especially the part that helps them make good decisions.” She believes that parents must let kids know that all electronic devices belong to the parents, and as a result, will be monitored by the parents. “Facebook is different than the diary you had as a child,” she notes. “What kids put up is out there for the whole world to see. It can affect them negatively for a very long time, something kids do not understand.”
Burningham recommends that parents prohibit their children from talking in chat rooms with people they don’t know. “It’s easy for people, for example, to strike up conversations when a child visits the chat room of their favorite band. Tell your child, ‘You are not friends on Facebook with anyone you do not know in person. Friends of friends of friends will not be accepted.’”
Sgt. Moody has found that gaming sites also need monitoring. “We’ve had some instances where kids are approached in these,” he notes. “Someone who is another player says, ‘Let’s meet at the mall,’ or something like that.”
Certain basic rules, long recommended for safety, continue to be important, says Rauzi. “No computers in bedrooms—they need to be in public areas. Filtering software can be helpful, but it is not foolproof. And kids love to show off what they know, so ask them to help you learn, and accept that they are the expert.”

“Sexting” and Twitter

An enormous amount of publicity has surrounded the notorious practice of using a cell phone for “sexting”: sending inappropriate photos and messages.
“Sexting comes out of a need for acceptance,” says Burningham. “Young girls, in particular, think, ‘I’m going to be with this guy forever,’ not realizing what may happen. You need to explain that they will have no control over these images once they are sent. Sometimes it helps to talk about a celebrity who has been burned online by inappropriate images. Then the child can talk about it without the conversation centering on them.”
“Many of the kids I’m now talking to are saying, “Yes, that’s kind of dumb,’” says Rauzi. “You can use the stories in the news as a conversation starter.”
One of the newest social networking tools, Twitter, also requires parental participation. Says Shankle, “Twitter is an easy way for someone to track your child. They should never be sending messages such as, ‘I’m on my way to the mall right now.’”
If your child is using Twitter, you should be “following” her, says Burningham. “Be an observer without commenting in public,” she says.
“Twitter and texting are being used a great deal for cyber-bullying,” Shankle adds. “And kids do not want to tell their parents, because they’re afraid the parents will take the phone away.”
A recent study shows that, relative to cyber-bullying, a very small percentage of kids are in active danger from online predation, Rauzi says. “Cyber-bullying is much more of an issue. And they need to feel that if anyone, for any reason, is making them uncomfortable, they can talk to a trusted adult.”

Talking to other parents

Many parents resist speaking to the parents of their kids’ friends about these issues, feeling, “It’s their choice how they parent.” But the experts concur that their choices may well be impacting your child as well.
“Get to know your child’s friends and their parents. Build a safety net,” urges Burningham. “These days, it takes a cyber-village to raise a child.”

More help for parents

Temptation Series

Parents struggling with some the issues described in this article might find help in “The Temptation Series,” a collection of illustrated books that tackle the tough issues facing kids relating to technology, like cyber-bullying, “sexting,” cell-phone abuse and Internet pornography.
Series creators Karen Child Ogden and Danielle Tiano have devised tools and tips for parents and kids to help understand the potential dangers of today’s most popular technologies. The series is being added to middle school curriculum across the country to assist in the education of these timely issues. Topics include:

• 5 Signs Your Teen is Being Cyber Bullied, Is a Cyber Bully, Needs Cell Phone Etiquette, Needs Social Networking Etiquette
• Social Networking Tips for 2009 Graduates
• Text Talk Quiz: Do you know the secret language of teens? Do you know what KPC & MIRL mean?
• Sexting 101 for Parents & Teens

For more information, visit TemptationSeries.com.

NetSmartz

The Boys & Girls Clubs of America has partnered with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children to create NetSmartz (NetSmartz.org), an interactive, educational safety resource for children aged 5 to 17. Parents, guardians, educators and law enforcement can access age-appropriate, 3-D activities to teach children how to stay safer on the Internet.
Teachers who would like to have an officer come to their classroom to discuss cyber-safety can e-mail Sgt. Bryan Moody of the Chattanooga Police Department at Moody_B@mail.chattanooga.gov.

Julie Hogue, a contributing photographer for Chattanooga Parent, is a child, family, maternity, wedding and special events photographer. See more of her work at JulieHoguePhotography.com.