“Go outside and play” a hard sell

Dear Childwise:

Do you have any suggestions for getting a child to go outside and play? I do the “good mom” thing and limit my son’s screen time to two hours (TV, computers, Game Boy, etc.), but he would almost always rather draw or read a book than go outside on a nice day. I’ve even offered to go bike riding or go for a walk with him, and he’s just not interested. He is not overweight, but I think this can’t be very healthy. When I was a kid, we played outside all day long. Should I just force him to be outside for a set amount of time each day? My son is 11, by the way.

Dear Deanne:

I must confess that I am a bit embarrassed at having to answer this question. You see, just this weekend I threw quite a tantrum at home related to this very problem. You read that right—I haven’t entirely outgrown my tantrums! Let me explain.

It was a sunny, 68-degree Saturday afternoon in November. To me, that means our family should be outdoors. I suggested several different possibilities and provided a lot of incentives. However, my 10- and 8-year-old daughters declined all of them, and elected to stay indoors to rest, watch television and play on the computer. This made me angry, both for not being able to go out myself, and even more so for the bad choice they were making for themselves. I could have made them go out with me, as I have done before, but I felt it would spoil everybody’s fun. We stayed home, and I announced that there would be no use of the television or computer until sundown (which kind of spoiled everybody’s fun anyway!).

I thought about this for some time, after overcoming the immediate disappointment, and again after reading your question. The fact is, we parents can encourage, push, command and enforce only so far. We have to balance that with the acceptance that the babies we raised are fast growing into individuals with their own sets of ideas about life, and that is quite all right. Indeed, it is quite magical and delightful if you think about it.

To answer your question less philosophically and more directly: Sometimes force him to go outside, and sometimes accept that he prefers the indoors.

Girl isolated by possessive friend

Dear Childwise:

I need to know how to help my middle school child solve a problem. She has a longtime friend who is very jealous of her time and attention, and who is preventing her from making many other friends at school. When my daughter attempts to sit with other kids in the cafeteria or play with them at recess, her friend cries or gets angry, and my daughter feels guilty and gives in. This girl isn’t interested in being part of a group, and, frankly, she’s not well liked by other children. My daughter would like to expand her circle of friends but doesn’t know how to handle this issue.

Thanks for your help!

No name, please

Dear No-Name:

It sounds as if your daughter’s old friend is making your daughter’s social life much harder. Your daughter seems to have the right idea—she wants to add new friends, and she knows how to start doing so. It’s just that her old friend sends her on a guilt trip whenever she tries. This could be an unfair oversimplification, though, because there may be other qualities about this old friend that we are overlooking, but that your daughter values a lot.

As you know, there is only so much you can do about this, because the ultimate actions will have to come from your daughter. You could talk to her about what she values and dislikes about her old friend, and find out whether guilt is really playing such a big role in her decision to back out from adding new friends. If it is, you should try to help free her from this unreasonable guilt—she has every right to make new friends, and she should hear that from you. If it turns out that her old friend is really so controlling and jealous, then she probably isn’t that sincere a friend after all. In middle school, it is important for most girls to develop a peer group they are comfortable in, and I hope your daughter doesn’t let her old friend get in the way of that.