Only the Lonely

by Alison Lebovitz

The third-born child had been living like a second-class citizen in his own home.  It was finally his chance to make a few decisions for himself and by himself without anyone interfering.

This past summer, while our two oldest boys spent four weeks at overnight camp, our youngest son Levi got to do something that he had never done before – experience life as an only child. So while his big brothers were off honing essential life skills, like camping, canoeing and consuming food that was actually worse than their mother’s, our seven-year-old was home doing, well, whatever he wanted. We called it, “The Month of Levi.”

Our three boys have shared a room for the past six years, and likewise share every book, toy, game and electronic device in our house.  So when “the brothers” left, Levi took full advantage of his newfound autonomy.  It was finally his chance to make a few decisions for himself and by himself without anyone interfering.  The day after the boys left for camp, I found Levi in the basement playing a video game. “Mom,” he said excitedly, “this is so awesome. Arthur never lets me play this game.” The next day I found him sitting on the couch watching a television show, and he said, “Mom, this is so awesome, Abe never lets me watch this show.”  I was starting to see a pattern. The third-born child had been living like a second-class citizen in his own home.

So, when we went grocery shopping that first week, I let Levi buy whatever he wanted. And as he loaded bags of doughnuts and boxes of Fruity Pebbles into my cart he said, “I probably should eat these before the brothers come home.” If he wanted to go swimming, we went swimming. If he wanted to watch a movie, we watched a movie. And even when he wanted to have Pokémon battles with his friend Will every single afternoon and night, that’s exactly what he did.

Being a first-born child myself, it was hard for me to empathize with him.  That’s because everyone knows that first-born children are always the ones in charge. We are the ones who get to choose whatever shows are to be watched, whatever games are to be played and whatever else there is to be decided because, quite simply, it is our birthright. And it’s not our fault we were born first and must blaze the trails for our younger siblings or be the guinea pigs for our parents. Indeed, this is usually a lot of responsibility and not exactly a job we signed up for.  But at least it comes with its occasional perks – like being able to order around those who are born after you.

I don’t think I fully realized what a bossy first-born I had been growing up until I was home for a short break during my second year of college. One afternoon I marched into the living room and demanded (not asked) that my twelve-year-old sister, Amanda, get off the phone so I could use it. When she obliged without hesitating, my mother was horrified and immediately said, “Amanda, you don’t have to do everything she says!” To which my sister innocently responded, “I don’t?”

So, when I asked Levi if he missed his brothers after they had been gone a few weeks, the pregnant pause that followed should have been answer enough. He eventually said, “Well, not really.”  This time it was my turn to be horrified. I said, “Levi, don’t you love your brothers?” He responded, “I do love my brothers, I just don’t miss them, that’s all.”

I had to accept the fact that just because Levi was temporarily an only child, that didn’t mean he was a lonely child. It just meant he had a brief opportunity to do and explore the things that he wanted to do without apology, question or interruption. And I certainly couldn’t blame him for wanting or enjoying it.  But I will also admit that I was happy when Levi came into our bedroom a few days before the brothers came home, asking if he could sleep with us because he didn’t really like sleeping in his room alone.

And now that all three boys are back under one roof, and the natural pecking order has been restored, I sense that after a month of doing whatever he wanted by himself, Levi is actually looking forward to doing whatever his brothers want to do, as long as they all do it together. Of course, I don’t think that includes sharing the last box of Fruit Pebbles he has hidden in the pantry.