Is teen just “unhappy”—or depressed?

Dear Childwise:

My daughter is 14. She is a smart and pretty girl with lots of friends. She surprised me last week by telling me that she hasn’t been happy in “years” (since she’s been very young). She can’t explain why. Obviously I’m concerned, and I’m also surprised, because she seems very well adjusted. She laughs a lot and doesn’t act like a depressed person. I feel like I need to follow up, but I don’t know how. I am very leery of someone putting her on anti-depressants, because I’ve heard they can have the opposite effect. What would you do?

Jamie

Dear Jamie:

I can understand your concern for your daughter; I imagine it’s somewhat confusing because, while your daughter has shared that she’s unhappy—and that she has been for some time—you haven’t noticed any obvious behavioral changes. So that makes it even more difficult to know how to respond.

A part of your question that stood out first is that your daughter let you know how she’s feeling. The most important action to take now is to listen closely and to reassure her that you’re glad that she’s talking, and that you want her to continue to do so.  The fact that your daughter has confided in you about her unhappiness makes it more likely that she’ll be willing and able to share more; so, again, responding in a supportive way is important.

The confusing point that clouds the picture for your daughter—and for most teenagers—is that shifting feelings of unhappiness, alternating with other emotions such as happiness, excitement, and anger, is common. This makes it even more difficult to determine how to respond to a teenager who says she’s unhappy. However, a couple of pieces of additional information may be helpful to consider. First, if feelings of unhappiness have been fairly constant over a period of at least two weeks, this may signal that a more serious condition, such as depression, is present. Another factor is related to how your daughter is doing with regular activities. For example, if her grades have declined, or if she’s not keeping up with schoolwork, some type of help in addition to parental support may be helpful.

Consideration of these additional factors, and trying to distinguish between unhappiness and depression, is best done by medical and/or mental health professionals. If your daughter has ongoing unhappiness and difficulty doing what she needs to do, it may be that a full assessment would be appropriate. Following up with a medical/mental health professional can help you and your daughter decide if further intervention would be helpful, and how to go about doing so.

You might also take a look at the following websites for additional information about emotions and teenagers, as well as information about intervention options:

• HelpGuide.org/Mental/Depression_Teen.htm
• NIMH.NIH.Gov/Health/Publications/
• NASPOnline.org

Again, your daughter is to be highly praised for sharing how she’s feeling, and she’s fortunate to have a mom who takes her well-being seriously!

Are childhood friends a bad influence?

Dear Childwise:

My daughter, who is a junior in high school, has a lot of friends. Some of them are friends she has had since grade school, and for the most part they are sweet kids. But I do know (my daughter has told me) that some of them smoke and drink. My daughter insists that she doesn’t do either, and that she doesn’t feel tempted to just because her friends do these things. Is it a mistake to let her hang around with them?

Overprotective Mom

Dear Overprotective Mom,

I congratulate you for raising a daughter with some great qualities. She has maintained some friends from early in life, and has kept up her friendships without being drawn into negative or destructive behavior. She has trusted you enough to inform you about some of that behavior and values your judgment enough to provide you reassurance about her intentions. I don’t think there is much use trying to disengage her from her present friends, and I think it would be very difficult to do so. Just keep up the great work in staying close to her emotionally and letting her know your values clearly.