Modern manners

Teens and the etiquette of cell phones and texting

By Janis Hashe

“With each other, they have no problem with texting, talking with an iPod in their ear—but they need to be taught that with an adult, or in a more serious discussion, that type of behavior is inappropriate.” Alex J. Packer, author of How Rude! The Teenagers’ Guide to Good Manners

Teaching your child manners has probably been a parental challenge since Ug reminded Ug, Jr. to say, “Please pass the wooly mammoth.”

These days, however, a whole new layer has been added: Manners for new forms of communication. Teens, who have grown up with cell phones, texting, and now Twitter, sometimes seem to have developed their own etiquette regarding them—which often does not sit well with those older than they are.

We asked a combination of experts, parents, and teens themselves what constitutes good manners in an age of instant communication. Turns out, most felt the principles behind being polite haven’t changed—and that when it comes to manners, modeling them is the best way to teach them.

Takes one to know one

“What’s polite and respectful remains the same over time,” says Alex J. Packer, author of How Rude! The Teenagers’ Guide to Good Manners, originally published in 1997 and currently being revised for re-release in 2010. “But it’s also true that manners can be contextual…something is not rude if it’s being done by like-minded people. Teenagers are multi-taskers, and older people cannot appreciate the extent to which they have become technology on legs. With each other, they have no problem with texting, talking with an iPod in their ear, and so on—but they need to be taught that with an adult, or in a more serious discussion, that type of behavior is inappropriate. If they are having a conversation with someone, it’s rude to shift their attention to someone else while the first person waits.”

Michelle Cimino, founder of GetManners.com and author of Cell Phone Etiquette—Observations from a Mom, has observed that many teens do not appear to think it rude to have a one-on-one conversation and look at text messages at the same time. “It doesn’t bother them,” she says. “But in my family, we do not allow texting at the dinner table, for example. Recently, my husband’s boss invited us over for dinner, and I made it clear that they could not text or take cell calls at a dinner party, that it would be disrespectful.”

Chattanooga mom Shawn Kurrelmeier-Lee, who is also chief reading officer for Read 20, told us, “I have a daughter and son who are seven and a half years apart. My daughter, the oldest, is quite adept in using electronic devices; however, my son has grown up using them as if they were extensions of his hands!

“My only advice that seems to have had an impact on them is that we set up some rules when dealing with grandparents. They seemed to understand that a generation away from the immediate family was different enough to pay attention to the differences.

Kurrelmeier-Lee says she and her children talked about the need for mutual respect, and how people differ in their use of electronics for communication. “The clincher for us was the fact that we set up a rule that they had to abide by, as well as my husband and I. We all use text messaging a lot, so our solution was to consider the rule for all four of us, instead of only for the children. They accepted the rule much easier when they thought we had to go along with it, too.”

“Even my own generation tends to forget that it’s rude to text or e-mail during a meeting, church, or with your elders. So we agreed that each one of us would take on the responsibility of helping each other keep the rule and its appropriate behaviors in check. That gave them a sense of ownership, as well as a sense of authority.

“You can only imagine the resulting teasing I received after forgetting the rule during church one time!”

Which nicely illustrates one of Packer’s main tenets:

“A very useful constant for parents is that when it comes to teaching manner, have good manners,” he says. “Just barking pronouncements does not work nearly as well.”

Teaching manners for their future

Kary Jordan Klein, owner of Chattanooga businesses SmartHireHR & SmartWork sent us this response:

“I think that parents are doing a great disservice to their kids by allowing them to behave in ways that are rude and sometimes disruptive. I see kids sitting at a dinner table, with people sitting next to them, and the kids are paying no attention to the living, breathing people, but are spending their time and energy texting or talking on the phone.  It’s as if the child has learned to live a life that ‘might be,’ instead of the one they are right in the middle of living!

“The problem with this very rude behavior is that it won’t be accepted in the business world, and this will be a shock to their systems when they do what they have always done and are reprimanded or fired. The first time one of those kids sits in a board meeting, texting, is that last time they will be in that boardroom…

“Why aren’t the parents explaining to their kids that focusing on people other than those you are with is rude and unacceptable behavior? And then, why aren’t they standing behind their explanation with behavior modification to support their discussion?

“Appropriate manners have not gone out of style—at least, not totally. Kids will have an easier adjustment to the ‘real world’ of business if they learn the appropriate manners at an early age.”

Michelle Cimino concurs, noting that teens who want to land a summer job need to be taught what is acceptable behavior to people their parents’ age. “‘I texted you I was going to be late,’ won’t cut it, for example,” she says.

When Cimino realized that her own daughter had a habit of simultaneously texting and doing homework—with less-than-ideal results—Cimino banned use of the cell phone while her daughter was supposed to be studying.

Packer recommends emphasizing the ultimate benefit of cultivating good manners.

“There is a self-serving aspect of being polite that teens can appreciate,” he points out. “You can tell them, ‘This is important because it will help you build better relationships, which can give you opportunities later on.’”

Manners for the new age…same as the old age?

Marianne Cohen is vice president of the Manners for Minors Division of Mannersmith, a nationally known etiquette firm founded in 1996 that delivers seminars to clients ranging from children to CEOs (MannerSmith.com). She blames many teens’ lack of manners on the fact that children are being given cell phones at a younger and younger age, which allows them to develop antisocial behavior.

“This is shown when a group of teens are standing in a group and instead of talking to each other, they text each other,” she says. “They are not learning the social graces to succeed as they get older and will need these skills.”

To avoid these types of situations, Cohen suggests that parents set the following ground rules when they give their teen a phone:

• No cell phones at the table (this includes having them rest their phone on the table).
• No texting while with a group of people. Should they feel the need to answer the phone, they should excuse themselves and not just walk away.
• They need to remember that if they decide to answer the phone or text, it is sending the message to the person in front of them that they are less important than whoever is on the other end of the phone.

She also endorses recommends the following guidelines:

• Young adults are not able to look others in the eye when having a conversation. You can alleviate this by teaching them about the “triangle.” Reiterate that when they talk with someone or shake their hand, they need to look them in the eye or within the triangle, which runs from the outside of one eye brow, down to the middle of your top lip and back up the other side to their other eye brow. If they can look anywhere within this area, it will seem like they are looking the other person in the eye.
• If someone asks them a question, they need look at that person, answer the question and then they can return to their phone.
• If they are employed, they need to follow the rules of their employer.
• They need to follow the rules of their friends’ families. If their rule is they do not allow cell phones in the house, your teen needs to alert you so if you need to reach them, you know the families’ phone numbers.

Teens talk new manners

We asked Anna Stroud, 18, Noah Bowling, 18 and Mary Davis Kennedy, 15, members of the teen board of the Chattanooga nonprofit organization On Point, several questions about new etiquette. Their answers may surprise you.

In your circle of friends, what is considered acceptable and what (if anything) is considered rude when talking on cells, texting, being online, etc.? In other words, when you are with someone, is it OK to have a long phone conversation or constantly be texting other people?

Anna: In my circle of friends it is very rude to text while talking to each other. None of us appreciate it when the other starts to text while we are out to eat or just hanging out downtown. Talking on the phone for a long time in the presence of other people is unacceptable, and texting is equally rude.

Noah: In my circle of friends, it is considered somewhat rude to be texting/being online/being on a cell phone all the time, because it takes away from the time you could be spending with your friends. When someone is non-responsive to the friends they are with because they are so engulfed in their own conversations, I believe this is when the line is crossed from being polite to being rude.

Mary Davis: I think it is very rude to be talking on the phone or especially texting when having a conversation with someone. It is disrespectful to the person and makes you look bad.

Do you find that talking on a cell or texting is not acceptable to some people? Who? How do they react?

Anna: Some teens find that texting or talking on the phone is acceptable. I disagree. My parents find these actions even more unacceptable. They will take my phone away from me if I do not stop once they ask me to…It sends a message to the person you are spending time with that you do not find them entertaining enough and they are boring.

Noah: Most of my friends are in agreement about the texting and cell phone issue. They all pretty much believe that it is rude to completely ignore the friends you are with in order to take a phone call or text. Sometimes when it happens, a friend will ask what the person is texting or who they are texting.

Mary Davis: I think it is disrespectful to the person’s time and energy to be trying to have a conversation when the other person isn’t paying attention, let alone remember what is being said.

Do you think there are essentially two sets of manners, one for your peers, and one for older people? Why or why not?

Anna: It seems that two different sets have occurred, but I do not think it should be that way. I believe that those who are older than me are much wiser. They realize it is important to really engage in conversation and interact with people you are around, instead of texting people who are away. I think we as a teen culture should also adopt those manners.

Noah: Peers are more tolerant of your lack of communication or rudeness when it comes to texting and phone calls, etc. I believe older people feel more strongly about the rudeness of taking a phone call or texting while in their presence.

Mary Davis: Yes. I think that it is OK to be silly and goofy and to have inside jokes with friends. I do think that there is a time where a more mature state is appropriate. When talking to older people, I think that respect, eye contact and attentiveness (are needed).

Have you personally ever been offended or hurt when someone is not giving you their full attention because of calls or texting?

Anna: Most of my friends do not text or talk on the phone when with me. In fact they will ignore a message or call since they are choosing to spend their time with me. But I can imagine my feelings would be hurt very much if they did choose to ignore me for someone on the phone.

Noah: Very rarely, since like my other friends, I am more tolerant of them with regard to cell phones and texting like they are for me.

Mary Davis: I think everyone has been sometime or another. For me, it happens a lot with my own parents, when I am trying to talk to them and they are on the phone or even texting. I do find it rude sometimes.