Competitive sports set boy up for failure

Dear Childwise:

My son is a wonderful child with many talents, but he is not particularly athletic. To his credit, he does have an interest in sports and has continued to participate in rec sports. Often he’s among the least talented players on the team. (I hear other parents make rude comments.) I’m not sure he seems himself that way, though, and he’s approaching the age where sports are becoming much more competitive, and he will have to try out to make the school team. I don’t want to discourage him from trying, but I also don’t want him to get his hopes up. Should I say something? If so, what?

No name, please

Dear No Name:

First of all, it is great that your son enjoys sports. I hope that stays a lifelong interest for him—it’s so healthy for his body and mind, and teamwork can serve him well in all spheres of his life. Even as school sports get more competitive, you should find recreational, non-varsity teams for him that value motivation but don’t require athleticism.

As your son grows, he will learn what he shines in and what he struggles in. Being cut from a school sports team hurts, but it is a necessary lesson, just like getting cut from a play, the school band, an advanced placement (AP) class or a spelling bee. We all have to get cut from something or another, and we have to learn to take that in stride. If you must, say something like, “I’m glad you have the guts to try out!”—and then tell him a story about something you got cut from.

Painful experience triggers phobia

Dear Childwise:

My daughter, age 9, had a bad experience at the dentist’s office. I told her a certain procedure would not hurt, and unfortunately I was wrong. (It turned out to be more complicated than we thought.) Now she is absolutely terrified of the dentist, and she doesn’t trust anything I tell her about it. It seems to be turning into a phobia. Obviously, not taking her to the dentist is not an option. Do you have any advice on how to calm her down? Thank you!

Kelly A.

Dear Kelly A.:

It’s really unfortunate that she had this complication, but, of course, in life things sometimes turn out worse than expected. It is important to make sure your daughter understands that what occurred was a rare complication, rather than a deliberate deception. At her age, the exact frequency of this complication from your dentist may actually make mathematical sense to her.

I would spend some time helping her understand why regular dental (and medical) care is important. For vaccinations, I like to remind children how much more painful the illnesses can be, compared to the injections that prevent that illness. The same can be said for conditions like infected teeth or inflamed gums, which are incredibly painful and can be prevented with regular dental care.

After going through these steps, I would insist on setting up an appointment, letting her know it is not optional, and promising a reward on appointment day (maybe movie night with her best friend!). If you let the staff at the dentist’s office know how anxious she is, they may schedule just a gentle cleaning and might prescribe a relaxant medicine or extra pain reliever, if necessary.

To emphasize that the appointment is not optional, you may have to set up a negative consequence too, if she misses it (like no cell phone or TV time until the appointment is done). Hopefully, it won’t get to that point, and you can all enjoy the movie together. Happy cleaning!