Six-year-old hasn’t outgrown tantrums

Dear Childwise,
My son, who is 6, seems to have anger issues. When he was in kindergarten last year, I had to come to the principal’s office several times because he had kicked or swung at another child. (Not always the same one, and not always even another boy.) It always seems to be something small that sets him off, like losing a game or not getting his way. I expected that behavior when he was a toddler, but it’s not getting any better. I’m already dreading this school year, and I’m afraid he won’t be able to make (or keep) friends. Any suggestions?

LHA

Dear LHA,
While anger problems can be caused by many different factors in a child and in his environment, I can suggest a few things you should try. When he has an angry outburst, he should be provided an immediate and appropriate response. He should be removed from the situation where he is and placed in time-out for a few minutes, allowing him to calm down, regain control and realize what he has just done. Adults around him should act firmly but calmly, without losing their own tempers. He should be made to pay for his mistake by giving up something he wants. For example, if he was triggered by losing a game, he should be kept out of the next game. If he was triggered by your turning his TV off, he should be banned from the TV for that day.

There are also some important things that you should discuss with him much later, on a day when he is not angry. Ask him how he likes to be treated, how he feels when others lose their temper or behave aggressively, how he thinks friends would like him to behave, and so on. Then find examples of when he has handled loss or discipline in a positive way and reward him for that. This way, you have given clear negative consequences for his bad behavior, made him understand what is good behavior, found him behaving well, and rewarded him for it! This is all easier said than done, of course, but I think you will find that it works great.

Arguing against “everybody’s doing it”

Dear Childwise:
Help! I need a good answer for the “everybody’s doing it” argument that I’m constantly bombarded with. According to my sixth-grade daughter, “everybody” has a cell phone (and she doesn’t). “Everybody” wears makeup (and she doesn’t). “Everybody” has a FaceBook page (and she doesn’t). It goes on and on. The truth is, she’s only exaggerating a little. A lot of children do seem to be allowed these things, which I think are entirely inappropriate or unnecessary for their age. I’m tired of her hounding me about it. How can I respond?

Badgered to Death

Dear Badgered to Death,
Does it help to know that most of us parents of preteens are going through the same thing? Sometimes I think the best solution would be to have a meeting of all the class parents where we decide what the kids are going to get this year! That’s not going to happen, of course, and it may not work that well, anyway.

For me, the key is to find where I think I can compromise and where I want to stand my ground. Once you’ve decided where you are not going to compromise, make it clear to your daughter and explain a little bit about your reasoning. For example, you can say that you will not allow her to date until she is in high school, if that is an important principle of yours, no matter who else in the class is dating before then, but you are willing to consider a cell phone earlier than you had planned.

As far as her exaggeration, there is no harm in doing some reality checks. Let her know you’d like to call a few mothers to find out their attitude and policies about makeup or FaceBook, for example. Your daughter could be exaggerating just a little, or quite a bit! Finally, no matter what you decide to do with the specific decisions, make a strong effort to maintain trust and communication with your daughter. That will be key to keeping her safe and keeping you at peace. Good luck, and have fun!