Necessary losses

Lu recalls life’s milestones and the losses that come with the joy of embarking on something new

“Life is no straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we seek our way, lost and confused, now and again checked in a blind alley. But always, if we have faith, a door will open for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves will ever have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us.”
—A.J. Cronin, quoted in Who Moved My Cheese?, by Spencer Johnson

“My youngest child is going to high school,” said my colleague at the Creative Discovery Museum, making a sad face. Recovering, she added, “I’m thrilled for him—he’s definitely looking forward to August—but I’m feeling my heart twinge.”

This feeling is not exclusive to parents of children heading off to high school or college. Parents of kindergarten students, for example, regardless of their previous experience with older siblings, find sending their children off to “Big School” a big deal! Expectations shift, achievement is measured in an objective manner, and comparison to peers intensifies. There is new homework, a reading list and report cards.

In the chapter “Childhood’s End” from her book Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst writes about transitioning from one experience to another. With the first days of school, gone are the days of family accommodation, comfortable shoes and raiding the refrigerator at will. The conversation shifts to school friends, teachers and cafeteria food. There is a new sense of independence as your little darling catches the bus for the first time, or leaves the car to find his new classroom—instructing you that this will be a discovery conducted “by myself.”

Even with my own experience as a kindergarten teacher, when I sent my own daughter off to kindergarten, I felt what other mothers were feeling. It’s not easy putting children on a bus hoping they will get off at the right school, find the right classroom and—please, oh please—ride the right bus home! The first day the children in my class rode the bus by themselves, my assistant would call moms at home or in the office to tell them their child was safely in the classroom. At least, we thought, we can save them the loss of time they might otherwise spend worrying.

There were many necessary losses to come after those first years of kindergarten. I felt this keenly when our family moved to West Virginia. Our daughter was going to a high school in a new town. No one knew her or us. She no had looking after her faces familiar from birth. Some of the old fears came back: Would she get to the right school, come home on the right bus, find her classes, fit in? That first day was agonizing. She, of course, bounded off the bus; she’d had a fabulous day, liked some things, others not as much. I realized she would survive, and so would I.

Other milestones in our lives brought other highs and lows, like chapters in our story: “The End of Childhood,” “The ‘Tween Years,” “The Agony of Adolescence.” The worst was driving away from Tennessee Tech with my daughter standing on the porch of her dormitory, waving good-bye. After that, the wedding was a piece of cake. (And allow me to add that nothing is finer than an adult daughter!)

When my daughter and I reflect on our journey—we each have our own memories—we sometimes wonder if we were both there on the same trip. Have you had that conversation with your parents? Enlightening, isn’t it!

And because reflection is always good for the soul, I look back over the years from time to time to learn from the losses:

How I yearn for the days when my daughter Linda would grab my hand or hide behind  my skirt. Those moments were precious, but was I too busy to notice?

Where did they go?

Linda’s artwork hangs in my apartment, art produced the summer after second grade. Did I savor that summer? Where did that summer go?
The hairdos, the ratty jeans, the music, the animated “discussions” about room cleanliness—they all flew away. I’m wondering if I missed something.

Our special memories are the times we have spent together— very little, silly times that just happened. I’m so thankful that we still make those memories. I am never too bus for that.

Edna and I are adjusting to new family configurations—no easy stuff. We all experience career changes, new people moving in and out of our lives, new opportunities. We know that with each new experience there may be necessary losses, but we are learning to appreciate them when we see them. The lesson is to live in the now and enjoy each stage with the understanding that change is coming anyway, so you may as well embrace it.

So, whether you are celebrating a major transition in your life or your child’s first year in a new school, celebrate the losses along with something new ready to replace them. It’s the best way we know to open that shiny new door to the future.