Mom stifled by child’s fearfulness

Dear Childwise:
I have a 4-year-old girl, “Amy.” She is fearful of so many things that it makes it hard to do things like take her to birthday parties or even out in lots of public places. For example, she’s terrified of balloons. She’s scared of anything that makes a loud noise (even organ music at church has made her cry). She’s scared of dogs, although she’s never had a bad experience with one. She’s afraid of the motorized carts disabled people use at the store. I could go on and on. Is this normal? Will she grow out of this fearfulness? I’m having a hard time even getting out of the house because of this. Thank you for any help you can give.

LJR

Dear LJR,
Preschoolers often develop a lot of fears as their lives and minds expose them to more experiences and ideas. What makes it harder for them is that they are often not able to figure out the difference between real and imaginary. If it feels real to them, such as a dream or a movie they saw, it is real to them!
You should empathize with your daughter—let her know you are upset when she is scared and you know it is a terrible feeling. Make sure she is not criticized or made fun of for her fears. Try to find out what frightens her about different things—dogs barking or jumping up unexpectedly, balloons popping, carts bumping someone, etc. Then slowly try to tackle one fear at a time. For example, tell her you want to help her get over her fear of balloons. Show her pictures of balloons in books, pictures of children playing with balloons. Read a story about balloons. Then bring some empty balloons home and put them around where she can see them. Ask if she wants to touch them. Move on to showing her how a balloon can be filled with air or water, but only fill a little bit. Play a game with that and see if she wants to fill the balloon with water. You can move on in this way to gradually exposing her more and more to her feared object in a pleasant way, but without pushing her any faster than she can take. Keep adding more things that she is afraid of, and hopefully she will learn your strategies and use them herself. For most preschoolers, most of their fears are part of a stage that will soon pass.

Dealing with public temper tantrums

Dear Childwise,
What would you recommend as the best way to deal with a child who is having a temper tantrum in public? My son has a hot temper and gets very worked up when things don’t go his way. I know when he pitches a fit at home, I can put him in his room until he can calm down. But when we’re in the middle of the grocery store, it’s hard to know how to deal with his tantrums. If I ignore him and let him scream, it looks terrible. If I get firm with him, I feel like other parents think I’m a child abuser. If I give in, I’m encouraging him to do it again. He’s 5 years old.

Catherine H.

Dear Catherine H.:
I doubt there are any parents reading this who have not been through the same predicament—tantrums in public! There are several things you can try before, during and after a tantrum.
During a tantrum, your child has lost control, but you must try your best not to. Try to ignore the behavior, don’t lose your own temper, and stay as calm as possible. Do not give in or negotiate with your son, and give him as little attention as possible. It is helpful to isolate him from others who are around, maybe taking him into the car or a corner where there are not a lot of people around. Certainly do not act any differently just because people are watching—almost all parents have been through similar incidents and most would understand your situation. When the tantrum is over, it is time to pay attention to him again. Make sure he does not get what he was demanding during the tantrum.
By his age, almost ready for kindergarten, he should get a reasonable consequence for his tantrum, such as loss of something he likes to do for half an hour (TV, video games, playing with neighborhood friends, etc.), but he should be warned of those consequences before the tantrum occurs.
Also, give him ideas for alternates to tantrums, especially how to express his anger or frustration in words. Sometimes you can prevent a tantrum from occurring by taking care of things like hunger and fatigue before going out, and preparing him for your schedule with a little bonus for him: “We are going to stop at the bank, then get groceries. If you behave well on the trip, I’ll get you some strawberries and let you play an extra half hour with Alex when we get back.” Good luck!