Is teen just “unhappy”—or depressed?

Dear Childwise:

My daughter is 14. She is a smart and pretty girl with lots of friends. She surprised me last week by telling me that she hasn’t been happy in “years” (since she’s been very young). She can’t explain why. Obviously I’m concerned, and I’m also surprised, because she seems very well adjusted. She laughs a lot and doesn’t act like a depressed person. I feel like I need to follow up, but I don’t know how. I am very leery of someone putting her on anti-depressants, because I’ve heard they can have the opposite effect. What would you do?

Jamie

Dear Jamie:
I can understand your concern for your daughter; I imagine it’s somewhat confusing because, while your daughter has shared that she’s unhappy—and that she has been for some time—you haven’t noticed any obvious behavioral changes. So that makes it even more difficult to know how to respond.
A part of your question that stood out first is that your daughter let you know how she’s feeling. The most important action to take now is to listen closely and to reassure her that you’re glad that she’s talking, and that you want her to continue to do so.  The fact that your daughter has confided in you about her unhappiness makes it more likely that she’ll be willing and able to share more; so, again, responding in a supportive way is important.
The confusing point that clouds the picture for your daughter—and for most teenagers—is that shifting feelings of unhappiness, alternating with other emotions such as happiness, excitement, and anger, is common. This makes it even more difficult to determine how to respond to a teenager who says she’s unhappy. However, a couple of pieces of additional information may be helpful to consider. First, if feelings of unhappiness have been fairly constant over a period of at least two weeks, this may signal that a more serious condition, such as depression, is present. Another factor is related to how your daughter is doing with regular activities. For example, if her grades have declined, or if she’s not keeping up with schoolwork, some type of help in addition to parental support may be helpful.
Consideration of these additional factors, and trying to distinguish between unhappiness and depression, is best done by medical and/or mental health professionals. If your daughter has ongoing unhappiness and difficulty doing what she needs to do, it may be that a full assessment would be appropriate. Following up with a medical/mental health professional can help you and your daughter decide if further intervention would be helpful, and how to go about doing so.
You might also take a look at the following websites for additional information about emotions and teenagers, as well as information about intervention options:

• HelpGuide.org/Mental/Depression_Teen.htm
• NIMH.NIH.Gov/Health/Publications/
• NASPOnline.org

Again, your daughter is to be highly praised for sharing how she’s feeling, and she’s fortunate to have a mom who takes her well-being seriously!

Baby talk irritates mom

Dear Childwise:

My 12-year-old daughter is very good friends with a classmate that I consider extremely immature. The friend has a lot of babyish and annoying mannerisms (like baby talk), and now my daughter has picked up those mannerisms. I find it embarrassing on her behalf and think other kids will laugh at her. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but she needs to see how silly she looks. Should I say something, or stay out of it?

ELR

Dear ELR:

By the time you get this response, your daughter may well have picked up other mannerisms—very different ones than those you describe in your question! The reason for this is that later childhood/early adolescence represents the developmental period, when friendships become of utmost importance. So it’s likely that your daughter’s behaviors show just how important her friendships are to her. (“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,” as they say!)
In addition to your concern that your daughter is imitating behaviors that seem below age expectations, your question also seems to convey the worry that your daughter might be viewed negatively by others her age. It’s hard to tell if other children her age might view her behaviors as immature, particularly because they’re dealing with the same developmental struggle. (That is, they want to fit in at all costs.) What may seem embarrassing to adults might actually be seen positively by your daughter’s peers.
To better understand your daughter’s perceptions (and those of her peers), you might consider asking her what she thinks about her friend’s behaviors. You could ask something like, “I’ve noticed that Katie sometimes talks like a much younger kid. What do you think about that?” That way, you convey your perception and perhaps get input from your daughter as well. You could even ask, “What do you think other kids might think about her talking that way?” to get a rough gauge of what’s going on with her peers.  Most importantly, that might open the door to a conversation between the two of you about your daughter’s own perceptions.