Breaking the “rules”

Becoming Mr. Mom isn’t as easy as you may think

By Josh Dzik

Photo by Jenn E. Clark

As I ponder the four and a half years since my first child was born, I’m amazed at how my parenting style has progressed. I remember holding my infant son and, at his first whimper or whine, casually calling to his mom to say, “Mommy, Noah needs you!” Already on her way, sensing that her firstborn and I were in distress, she would calmly take him from my grasp and begin rocking him to sleep. After all, isn’t that Mommy’s job?

When I noticed my son needed a diaper change, I’d call for Mommy once again. “I’ll get you the wipes,” I’d offer in my most helpful and sincere voice. Isn’t that Mommy’s job, too?

Other times I would proudly pour pear juice in a bottle and peas in a bowl, so Mommy could feed our hungry child. Because that’s Mommy, job—right?
I must say that before and after my two sons, Noah and Miles, were born, I had always wanted to be an involved and supportive father. But while I have a contemporary attitude towards many gender issues, it was ingrained in me that some things are a mother’s job, and other things are a father’s. I didn’t necessarily agree with these manmade roles, but going against the status quo was somewhat intimidating. I wholeheartedly believed that a mother was better equipped to do just about everything for a child, particularly a baby, and my role was to be the best little Mommy’s helper I could be.

When I began taking my children out by myself, however, I started to overcome my fears; I stopped trying to conform to what I thought I knew about fatherhood. I began to appreciate how much responsibility and dedication (not to mention patience) one must have to perform the everyday tasks child-raising demands. I also started to notice the duties mothers routinely perform—and how most people, fathers in particular, not only take these often tedious tasks for granted, but consider them synonymous with motherhood. I see them all the time, on television and in real life: Mothers pushing the strollers. Mothers feeding their children, bathing them, or singing them to sleep. Mothers changing the diapers… The list goes on and on.

After much soul-searching, I decided that these “rules” aren’t the ones I want to live by.

So I started listening to my true feelings and beliefs. I was excited, almost beside myself, when I finally conquered my fear of what the status quo says I must do. “Here I go,” I thought, “Mr. Mom! Nothing can stand in my way now!” Until…I took my first stumble.

It was at a local restaurant. My boys and I were enjoying our meal, when I looked down and saw that my 1-year-old appeared to have poured a pitcher of water all over his pants and shoes. When I realized what had actually happened, I rushed him as discreetly as possible to the men’s restroom—and found a wad of toilet paper stuck to the wall where a changing table should have been.

I began to notice that it’s not easy for a dad to do a “mom’s” job. Not necessarily because many dads don’t want to, but because many aren’t encouraged to do so.
It was wintertime—when little kids, especially, seem to catch everything going around—and my son was feverish; he’d have to miss a couple days of school. His mom had just started a new, full-time job, and we couldn’t find a sitter. Luckily, I work at a place where taking time off should be no problem, especially with a day’s notice. I simply explained to my boss that my son was sick and needed me to take care of him.  The first question I was asked? “What about his mom?”
It was at the gym, where I was walking my regular five miles to nowhere on the treadmill, and I pulled out a Parent magazine. (I’m always looking for new ideas about different parenting styles, skills, and the like.) But article after article, page after page, I noticed a pattern: Where are the dads?

Experiences like these have left me discouraged, but not deterred, in my mission to be a hands-on father to my young children. I continue to challenge the “parent” stereotypes, always asking, “Why?” Why must Mom take the kids to the doctor, take them shopping, or take them to swim lessons? Why must she change their dirty diapers or stay home when they are sick? I hope I can help alter the status quo by doing the job of a parent—not necessarily that of a mother or father.