Childwise

Explaining death to young children

By Pam Guess

Dear Childwise:

I would like to know the best way to help a young child deal with the idea of death. My father-in-law has been battling cancer for several years and probably won’t live much longer. We will soon be faced with explaining his death to my son, who is almost 4 years old. What should we say when it happens? Should we talk about it ahead of time?

                                                                                                                                Jennifer F.

Hi, Jennifer:

I’m sorry to hear about the illness of your father-in-law; this must be a difficult and sad situation for everyone in your family. I very much appreciate your concern about how to talk to your 4-year-old son about his grandfather’s illness, particularly as it relates to death. How to approach talking about death with our children is a challenge for all of us. Not only do we feel uncertain about the words we use to explain death, we also have so many mixed feelings of our own—sadness, confusion, discomfort and fear that may prevent us from providing explanations in a confident way.

A few general guidelines might be helpful for you as you think about talking to your son. First, regardless of the topic, children of your son’s age typically best understand explanations that are brief, honest and basic; focus on facts and avoid detailed explanations. As you probably know so well, trying to have a long talk with elaborate details usually confuses a preschooler and frustrates the adult, because it’s impossible to keep a young child’s attention on one topic for more than a few minutes. 

Young children are also very concrete in their thinking. So, in order to avoid causing confusion for a young child, it’s important to use concrete words like “death” and “died” rather than phrases such as “he passed away” or “she went away.” Directly talking to a child about the reality of death for all of us may seem overly blunt or insensitive; however, our children hear and read about death regularly on television, from books and on the Internet. Not giving them sufficient information for understanding the concept of death (dependent on where they are developmentally) doesn’t protect them but actually may confuse them.

Finally, look for opportunities to talk about death during neutral times. If at all possible, talk with your child about the concept of death during your regular routine; for example, while playing outside, you might talk about plants and flowers that have died with the changing seasons. Looking for these opportunities allows adults a chance to talk about death at a time when they aren’t emotional. 

There are a number of children’s books that you might take a look at to use as tools for talking with your son. Books written for younger children include I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Pat Thomas; Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children by Doris Stickney; and Gentle Willow by Joyce Mills. The hospice website, HospiceNet.org, is another very helpful resource. 

Peace to you and your family as all of you deal with this difficult change.