Believe it or not, you and your child will get through this

By Janis Hashe

Photos by Julie Hogue

The truth is, there’s no scientific definition of “tween.” For many kids, it’s somewhere between ages 10 and 13. Others may be acting like a tween at age 9, while yet others may be 14 and still young for their age. But that era in a child’s life, in which he comes out of childhood into adolescence, is a hard one for both kids and parents to navigate. Chattanooga Parent decided to focus on that delicate transition from “tween” to “teen.” What do kids need during that time? How can parents best talk to them—and protect them? We asked both local parents and some national parenting experts for their views.

The Moms on cell phones, Facebook, dating and makeup

“My 13-year-old son Lucas has been pretty laid back about pushing the envelope,” says Chattanooga mom Shari Hicks. “He is a seventh-grader at CSLA. He’s had a cell phone since he was 10, but mostly for my convenience—not for his. It’s nice when he’s out playing in the neighborhood to be able to call him to come home, instead of hoping that he’ll remember to check the time and be home for dinner at 6 p.m.
“His cell phone has evolved over the years,” Shari continues. “His first one was a freebie for adding a line. He was thrilled and treated it like it was gold. He claimed that everyone else in his class had one, but I was surprised (not) to find that he had nobody to call once he had his phone.
“His second phone was an upgrade last spring that lasted through the summer. He took it on a youth trip with our church and promptly drowned it at a water park—just like his father predicted. He had to use his SIM card in an old, worn-out reject until his birthday last month. He treats this phone like gold again.”
Although she considers Lucas very responsible, Shari says she’s also cautious about his communications. She has parental controls on his phone about where he can surf and when and with whom he can text and call, and she constantly monitors the sites he visits. “He knows it’s ‘one strike and you’re out,’” she says.
Lucas does extra chores around the house to offset the cost of the media package that was required with his cell phone, she adds.
“If his chores are not done during the week, the phone is mine for the next week. Overall, I feel secure knowing that when I’m not with my son, he is still accessible. He is learning responsibility and respect for the material possessions that he is blessed enough to have access to.”
Regarding Facebook, the social networking site, Shari says:
“Lucas had been asking for a Facebook page. It was funny, as my friends had been asking me if I had a Facebook page, which I did not. I thought it would be too much access to his personal information, but upon his insistence, I checked it out. I made myself a ‘page’ and have been pleasantly surprised to find that it is secure as long as you don’t give too much info about yourself on your homepage—no phone numbers, addresses, etc.” Shari also has cautioned Lucas not to update his Facebook status with information that could put him or the family at risk, like “Lucas is alone while mom runs to the store.”
Shari says she suspects she has enjoyed Facebook more than her son has, connecting to friends she hasn’t heard from in years. “He does visit the site from time to time,” she says, “but I think the lure of having a Facebook page was more impressive than actually having one. This was a battle that I chose not to fight, and I’m glad that he is not too impressed with it!”
Local mom Vicki Runge, who has a daughter, Jessica, 18, and two sons, Clayton, 15, and Kerry, 13, describes how she handled what she calls “the crazy makeup phase”:
“I arranged a girls’ weekend in Atlanta for my daughter and me,” she says, “which consisted of a hotel, dinner, shopping and makeover at a cosmetic counter specializing in a clean, fresh look emphasizing caring for young skin. As many parents know, our children will take a stranger’s advice before ours—especially if the advice is dealing with how you appear to others. After arriving back home, the first thing she did was to throw out all the wild colors and harsh cleansers on her own.”
Vicki also offers her family’s age-appropriate rules for dating:
“Prior to high school: Groups of friends may go out together with a parent nearby, along with the parent driving to and from the event.
“High School: Dates are allowed during the freshman year if the parent drives to and from the event. Once your child holds a driver’s license, it is very difficult to monitor. (This is when prayer kicks in, big time.)
“Contact on all dates must be made at each stop by phone—i.e., call when you arrive at your destination, call when you leave your destination, call at a predetermined time, accept all calls from home, etc.”

The Experts on what—and what not—to do

Author and radio host Debbie Mandel offers these tips for helping your tween move into teendom:

•    Manage your personal stress, because bad moods are contagious!
•    Use humor to objectify and let go.
•    Pick your battles, because this age group is exploring its identity and boundaries.
•    Don’t argue and give a million reasons—they will out-argue you!
•    Exercise together, like taking a walk or playing basketball. You will both shed stress, release endorphins and bond. Kids open up while they are doing something physical.

Scott Osterfeld, parenting coach with MyParentingSource.com, is also a licensed social worker and the father of three children. He told us, “If your kids look at you like you have two heads, it’s because they are dealing with three ‘I’s’: identity, independence and inclusion. They’re being challenged to establish their identity, they are beginning to separate from parents, and inclusion in their peer group has become much more important.”

Osterfeld has created his own checklist for the tween-to-teen group:

•    Decide what to sweat and what to forget. “Figure out what are non-negotiable family rules. Is a hairstyle really that big of a deal?” he asks. “Engage your child in a discussion about decision-making.” A secret tip: “I talk to my kids about what the characters did in a movie we’ve seen. It often helps to talk about an issue in the third person.”
•    Don’t try to be their friend—but be interested in what they want to do.
•    “I teach parents to teach their kids to negotiate, such as ‘No sleepovers before soccer games,’ but if she says, ‘I want to stay at Nicole’s house—she’s on the team, too, and her parents make her go to sleep early,’ that might be negotiable.”
•    Verbalize the “freedom/responsibility” talk, but not when they are in trouble. “It can actually help if the younger child gets mad when you say, ‘Katie can do this because she’s older,’” Osterfeld says cheerfully. “It reinforces the responsibility part to the older child.”
•    If they don’t want to talk, write them a letter, or e-mail, or text. “Praise what you see in them; reinforce that you know they can succeed,” he says. “They may not mention it to you, but it means a lot.”
•    Create rites of passage. “Make a ceremony for your 13-year-old, even if they aren’t being bat or bar mitzvahed. Have  everyone bring something written about what they see in your son or daughter.”
•    Start giving them more responsibility. “Ask them to do other chores around the house, and tie it to increased freedoms, like more cell phone minutes.”
•    Allow consequences to happen. “Of course, this is based on the maturity of your child. But it can be helpful for them to forget their homework once or twice and have to take responsibility for it.”
•    Have a family night. “They will roll their eyes, but tell them they can invite a friend. Play games; do things together.”
•    Listen well. “Bite your tongue. Don’t solve the problem for them, but listen to them.”
•    Teach problem-solving skills and provide facts. “Be accurate, especially about sexual information. Don’t be over the top.”
•    Make your home a welcoming place where your child can bring his friends.
•    On cyber-safety and bullying: “You can be open about what you expect, even with an 11- or 12-year-old,” Osterfeld says. “There are cyber classes kids can take that teach them about safety. Sit down with your child and let them know you will be aware of what they do online.”

Just for tween girls

Denise Restauri, founder and CEO of AK Tweens, a tween research and consulting firm, and AllyKatzz.com, a safe social networking site exclusively for tween girls, is directly tapped into AllyKatzz’s 75,000-girl community on a daily basis. She is currently writing What’s My Daughter Thinking? The Secret Lives of Tweens, due out next year.
“You need to realize your daughter is no longer a baby,” Restauri says. “What they want to communicate with you about changes drastically. They have so much coming at them. And it’s a different time than when you were 11.”
Restauri notes that though many parents think their daughters don’t want to talk to them, tweens feel the same way about their parents. “You would be amazed how many girls feel they can’t tell their mother they’ve gotten their period,” she says.
Technology, she says, is the “new divide”—and it’s up to the parents to bridge it. “Texting is really important to this group. Learn how to use this tool to talk to your child.”
A parent shouldn’t try to be “a private eye,” she adds. “Talk to her versus violating her space. She may be your kid, living under your roof, but unless you have reason to believe that something bad is going on, talk before you snoop. Snooping will lead to not talking, and that’s not what you want. Tell your daughter, ‘You have your moral values. You are going to make mistakes, but I want you to be able to come to me.’” Here’s the low-down from one AllyKatzz member, age 14:  “i luv to tell my mom stuff, but i hate it when she prowls thru my things and trys to find out what’s goin on with me b4 i tell her. it makes me feel like she doesn’t trust me or she thinks theres something i’m not telling her, and mayb sometimes there is, but it’s usually bcuz i dont’ feel comfortable telling her things like how i want a boyfrind, or how i am really dreading going to high school…”
If there are problems with inappropriate postings, etc., “the solution isn’t ‘I’m going to take your computer away,’” Restauri says. “Talk to them, but make it clear they are always able to come to you.
“Don’t expect her to be perfect (or the tween you wanted to be!). You weren’t perfect, and she isn’t either. Expecting her to be perfect will lead to eating disorders and worse. Use asset-based thinking—emphasize her positives and help her where she needs help, but do not criticize her.”
One section of AllyKatzz.com allows girls to share their secrets anonymously. “It’s a big help for both the girls and their parents,” Restauri says. “You and your daughter might be able to talk about one of the postings because it’s about ‘someone else,’ not her.”
And finally: “When we ask the girls who is their hero, ‘Mom’ is number one. She looks up to you, even if she may not want to be just like you.”