Al Chapman (back row, middle) is director of faith-based initiatives for the city of Chattanooga and Mayor Ron Littlefield. He is shown here with his children and grandchildren: front row—Ashley, Jordan, Melissa and Lai’yana; second row—Carmelo, Al and Al Jr.

All I needed to know about parenting I learned from my children

By Alton “Al” Chapman

July 1, 1980 is a day I will never forget. My wife, Elvira, and I had been patiently awaiting the birth of our long-overdue first child, and we thought for sure the child would go straight from the hospital to first grade.
We liked the name “Joshua” if we were blessed with a boy, because we were committed to raising a Godly child with a Biblical name.
Elvira asked me to consider Alton, Jr., for a boy’s name. I would always reply that Alton, Jr. was the very last name I would consider. I told her that most men who name their boys “Junior” were trying to relive their lives through their sons.
After several false alarms, the doctor finally said it was Elvira’s time. “We” had decided that I “wanted” to be in the delivery room. (After two years of dating and two years of married life, I finally understood my own dad’s rule for wedded bliss: I didn’t try to run her life, and I didn’t try to run mine.)
All at once he was there: my clone. I had never seen such a handsome child. I was smitten. When the nurse asked what we were going to name him, a shocked Elvira heard me say, “Alton Miller Chapman, Jr.” Little did I know that I was learning my first lesson for raising children:

Go with the flow, and try not to be too rigid on issues that are not life-altering or life-threatening. In other a words, a parent must be smart enough to know when to change his mind.

Al Jr. reinforced this lesson many times in his 28 years. Almost from birth, Al Jr. was an entrepreneur. After we took him to his grandmother’s house so he could give her and his relatives copies of his kindergarten picture, I was mortified to learn that he had charged $1 per picture. While part of me wanted a piece of him, the other part of me admired his independence and creativity.
Over the course of his school career he showed up with hairstyles that were intended to shock us into submission: dreadlocks, some Gumby-type thing and then no locks at all—completely bald. We learned to act as though his stunts had no effect on us, which was contrary to our initial response.
We did threaten his life, however, when we found out that he and his classmates were hopping railroad trains for the fun of it. We learned when to interfere and when to ignore his actions.
My gorgeous daughter Melissa was born two years after Little Al. She had the most beautiful disposition, and she was a straight-A student. She was a well-adjusted little lady with an interest in sports, and we were more than happy to spend many hours helping her improve her skills at softball, volleyball and basketball.
In fact, when softball presented her with some challenges, our entire family spent countless hours pitching to her and chasing balls—even in the rain. When she finally started hitting well, we stood proudly by and listened as one of her teammates asked how she had made such an improvement in her hitting. Our egos were crushed when she explained that her coach had just told her to raise her arm a little more when she was batting. The lesson she taught us:

Parenting can be a thankless job, but the real payoff comes much later, when your children develop into Godly men and women you can be proud of. At that point you will get recognition that you know you don’t deserve, and you will thank God for His blessing.

Four years after Melissa, we were blessed with another beautiful daughter Ashley, a delicate child. At first we couldn’t tell what her interests would be because she was quiet and unassuming. At long last, I realized she was our socialite. She has never seen a group gathering or social activity that she didn’t like.
Unfortunately, socializing can distract you from things that are more important—like driving safely. At age 22, she now is driving her fourth car since high school. The lesson I have learned from Ashley:

Parenting is a full-time job, and it is a permanent responsibility. It doesn’t end because of the age of the child. The intensity and level of participation may diminish but the fun of responsibility lasts a lifetime.

Although the lessons of parenting live on, the edges are softer now. I have been blessed to serve as surrogate father to my 8-year-old grandson, Jordan. A funny thing happens to men when they reach my age and end up as a parent of a young child. The child becomes the joy of the older man’s life. I can’t think of a time when I have been with Jordan, or even thought of him, without smiling.
I thank God for blessing me with this wonderful son who is smart, handsome and athletic. I am reliving my parenting life through him—the proud part. I hope I can correct some of the mistakes I made with the others. Of all my children, it’s Jordan who has taught me the most important lesson:

There is no substitute for time when it comes to parenting: Time spent praying. Time spent teaching what’s important. Time spent hugging and roughing it up. Time spent coaching little league ball.