Mom, my teacher is picking on me!Resolving conflicts in your child’s classroom

By Janis Hashe

Know the facts: Before you try to resolve a classroom conflict, experts say, consider that your child’s version of the story may not be complete or accurate.

“When my daughter was in kindergarten, she came home unhappy and told me a story about her teacher not allowing her to choose the hat she wanted,” says Tammy Zinkann, a Chattanooga mother of three. “According to her, she was offered two hats, a doctor’s and a nurse’s, and she wanted the doctor’s hat but had to take the nurse’s. I was furious, because I thought it was gender discrimination. I went straight to the principal and complained.”
But it turns out that Zinkann hadn’t heard the whole story. “The teacher explained that the kids were asked to choose one hat. My daughter chose the nurse’s hat and then wanted the doctor’s hat, too. She could have been the doctor, after all. It was so simple.”
The kicker? Zinkann is a school staff member, currently a nurse at Big Ridge Elementary. And she’s married to a teacher.
Kevin Keck, writing on Babble.com, relates this anecdote:
“When I was in second grade, my mother threatened to strangle my teacher, Mrs. White. I do not mean that my mom and I were standing around in the kitchen late at night, frustrated over a science fair project, when she made an exasperated statement to no one in particular. My mother went to the school, pulled Mrs. White into an empty classroom, shut the door and stood in front of it to prevent my teacher from escaping, and proceeded to tell Mrs. White that she would strangle her if she didn’t let up on me in class.
“I’m now certain that my problems with Mrs. White had everything to do with my mom—before and after the threat of strangulation. Naturally, I didn’t know of this incident at the time, and my mother only related the story to me a few years ago. I’d just always assumed that my second-grade teacher hated me.
“I was too young in second grade to be embarrassed by, or even aware of, my mother’s intensity when it came to how she dealt with the parent-teacher relationship. . . . But my mother—God bless her sweet Southern soul—was (and is) one of those mothers who can’t help but try to dominate a situation and make certain that the spotlight shines on Her Child, the child who might as well have come into this world via immaculate conception because he is so perfect.”
Whether you have one child or five, it’s unlikely you will get through their school years without experiencing some conflict with one or more of their teachers. You may feel a teacher is picking on your child, is too demanding, or is not demanding enough. We did some research on how conflict arises—and what to do when it does.

Tips from teachers
Valerie Smith, eighth-grade language arts teacher at Red Bank Middle School, offers this advice:
“One of the misconceptions I have encountered is that some parents believe teachers have more time in the day than we do to make phone calls, have conferences, etc. As a middle-school teacher, I have over 100 students to worry about. It is impossible for me to call each parent every time a child is missing an assignment or every time a student misbehaves in my classroom.
“During my first year of teaching, I spent several hours on Saturdays calling parents. I rarely left the school earlier than 8 p.m. trying to write letters, send e-mails and call parents. I was conditioned in my teacher-preparation program to maintain contact with parents at all times. By the end of the first semester I was exhausted. I had a newborn at the time, and I felt I had abandoned her in my effort to keep each parent updated.
“My mentor sat me down and explained that of course we inform parents when there is a major infraction, but often parents make the unrealistic request to notify them every time a minor infraction occurs (e.g. talking during instruction). If parents want to know what is going on with their children on a day-to-day basis, it is best for them to contact the teacher through notes or e-mails.
“For example, our eighth-grade team at Red Bank has set up assignment notebooks for several of our students. Students write what they did in each class and any assignment or homework. At the end of each class, the teacher signs the notebook and makes comments on behavior, etc. Students take this home, and the parent also signs. This a great communication tool, as it takes only a few seconds as opposed to playing phone tag for a day or sitting at the computer for hours, responding to e-mails.”

One versus 100
Parents should remember that while they are focusing on their own child, teachers must concern themselves with dozens, Smith adds. “It is not that the teachers do not care about each student,” she says, “but that we are limited in how much time we can spend outside of planning, grading papers, attending games and other events.
“In addition, parents need to remember to respect that a teacher has a life outside of school. When we attend games or other events, that is not the time to try to have an impromptu parent-teacher conference with us. This makes us want to hide when we see the parent approaching. I am guilty of having run down random aisles at Wal-Mart so I could avoid those kinds of parents.
“Many teachers have children, too. We know it is easy to get defensive when a teacher calls about your child’s misbehavior or to tell you that she is not doing well academically. Please try to be objective. Get the facts and move on from there. It is a waste of time to argue about whether or not the teacher ‘misinterpreted’ the child’s behavior. Teachers are just as uncomfortable calling to give bad reports as parents are receiving them. A teacher doesn’t call to tattle; she calls to get input and support from the parent. Sticking to the problem at hand and brainstorming ways to improve it are the two things teachers want when we call home.”

A common cause
Zinkann says, “Ask for the door to be opened between parent and teacher. Be realistic in your expectations. Our district e-mail may be down, delaying responses, for example.
“My best advice is simple: We are all here for our children. While the students we care for and educate are not biologically ours, they are part of our extended community circle and the future of our planet.
“I would also remind parents to go through the chain of command, as they would in the business world. If your student is having academic, behavioral or social problems in the classroom or on the playground, start with their teacher. Many times the solution may be easier than anyone thought.”
Taking a problem straight to the school administration may cause educators to feel threatened, she says: “Think how you would feel in the work environment if a co-worker or consumer went over your head. Also, the time to contact your child’s teacher is not during educational time. Leave a message, take a deep breath, and write down all that you want to discuss.”
And while it’s important to listen to your child’s point of view, she says, parents should remember that “children see the world through a very ‘id’ stage of life.”
Ultimately, children do notice and emulate how their parents resolve potential conflicts.
“The method we use to attack the problems we, as adults, face in life can and should be a teaching moment for our children,” she says.

Steps for resolving conflicts
Parenting expert Lillian G. Katz, writing on KidSource.com, suggests steps parents and teachers can follow to aid in the successful resolution of a problem.
Katz’s advice for teachers:

∑ Know the school policy for addressing parent-teacher disagreements.
∑ Use discretion about when and where children and their families are discussed. It is important to resist the frequent temptation to discuss individual children and their families in inappropriate public and social situations, or to discuss particular children with the parents of other children. Confidentiality contributes to maintaining trust between parents and teachers.

Katz’s advice for parents:

∑ Talk directly with the teacher about the problem. The best approach is to address complaints at first directly to the teacher, either in person or by telephone, and then to other school personnel in the order specified by school policy. Sometimes the teacher is unaware of the child’s difficulty or perception of a situation. Sometimes a child misunderstands a teacher’s intentions, or the teacher is unaware of the child’s confusion about a rule or an assignment. Direct contact is necessary to define the problem accurately and to develop an agreement about how best to proceed.
∑ Avoid criticizing teachers in front of children. Even very young children can pick up disdain or frustration that parents express about their children’s school experiences. In the case of the youngest children, it is not unusual for them to attribute heroic qualities to their teachers. Some even think that the teacher lives at school and thinks of no one but them. Besides causing confusion and conflict, criticizing the teacher in front of the child does nothing to address the problem. In the case of older children, such criticism may foster arrogance, defiance and rudeness toward teachers.
∑ Choose an appropriate place to discuss the disagreement. Parents should keep in mind that the end of the day, when both teachers and parents are tired, is probably not the best time for a discussion involving strong feelings. If an extended discussion is needed, make an appointment with the teacher.

Involving the student in the solution
Like Tammy Zinkann, Katz regards these conflicts as teachable moments. “As children grow older, they are generally aware when their parents are upset about the teacher or a school-related problem,” she says. “When parents discuss these incidents with their children, they are modeling ways to express frustration with the problems of life in group settings. As children observe and then practice these skills, the coping skills become ‘tools’ in a child’s ‘psychological pocket’ to be used in future life experiences.”
Whether to include a child in the discussion of a problem also should depend on the child’s age and cognitive ability, Zinkann says.
“This is the time as a parent to practice active listening skills,” she explains. “Ask your child to tell you calmly what happened and how it made her feel. If you believe your child is at a stage where it would be helpful, ask the teacher, ‘Do you think it would be appropriate for my child to be involved in this meeting?’ And then take the teacher’s opinion into consideration as well.”

“Parents should go through the chain of command, as they would in the business world.”