Smile—you’re at the parent-teacher conference!

Sometimes a little humor is the only thing that will get you through a parent-teacher conference—unless you are the parent (or teacher) of the student who makes all As, has 100 percent attendance, and has done every homework assignment since daycare. That describes fewer than 1 percent of American students. So relax—you’re not alone if you are on your way to a conference about a fairly normal American child who is the joy of your life at home, but who’s not without a few challenges you anticipate you’ll hear about in graphic detail at school.
You’re familiar with the routine. Teachers will say something nice at first, but that is just to numb the pain for the reports to follow: missing assignments, gym pranks, and locker discoveries during unannounced inspections.
The two of us have a combined 50 years’ experience with parent-teacher conferences, and we have fail-proof strategies for navigating your way through a crowded school cafeteria or three floors of classrooms. The goal is to exit with your dignity intact and a smile on your face.
Teachers want to avoid bad parent-teacher conferences as much as parents do, but sometimes a bad conference may develop despite your best efforts. That’s why it is important to take your child to the conference—so if the news is not good, you and the teacher have someone underage to glare at instead of each other.
Taking your child to the parent-teacher conference is actually a research-based strategy for improving the quality of conferences, says Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot in her book, The Essential Conversation. It’s a strategy also supported in “A Twist on the Parent-Teacher Conference,” written by Barbara Meltz for The Boston Globe, Oct. 7, 2004.
The Globe article cites these as benefits when students are present at a conference:

∑ Students learn to look at their work objectively and see their progress. “This is how I wrote the alphabet in September. This is how I write it now.”
∑ Students learn to speak to an audience of powerful people. This builds their self-confidence and a belief that adults will listen.
∑ Students learn to accept responsibility. This is especially important in the middle grades, where some students are less interested in school. Having to evaluate their own work in front of a teacher and a parent helps the student refocus.
∑ The student’s presence reduces parents’ stress. Many parents dread the traditional parent-teacher conference. Three-way conferences validate the parents as authorities on their child and make it more likely that parents will show up.

We haven’t been published in The Boston Globe, but we have done our own experience-based research, and we can think of at least two other reasons to take children to the parent-teacher conference:

∑ Take a baby or toddler to the conference. On occasion, you may get a teacher who loves to talk. If you are having trouble ending the conference, you can always say you have to change the baby. (Start walking away as you say it.) If you know who these teachers are in advance, identify the nearest exits as you enter the building.
∑ If you have a crier, take him to your middle- or high-schooler’s conference and teach the child several signal words before the meeting. We recommend “failing and lazy,” for sure, but also “incorrigible”—just in case. When the child hears any of these words, that’s the signal for uncontrollable crying, which will guarantee a speedy end to the meeting.

We found on the Web a 2006 article by Amy Horn: “Parent-Teacher Conferences:  Simple Steps to Help Make Conferences in the Middle School a Success.” Horn’s article shares “talking points” teachers and parents can prepare in advance to make the conference a powerful and positive experience. Here is one example:

Decide what to discuss. An outline, script, agenda, or any other talking points that are prepared before the parent-teacher conference will ensure that you don’t forget anything that needs to be said and that you say everything in an organized way. Starting off with positive comments about the student is always a great way to begin the dialogue and might just diffuse some tense situations before they even start.* Asking the parents to prepare questions, comments, or concerns they have before the conference allows them to feel empowered in the conference, as well, and enables important issues to be addressed.
*Told you!—Edna

If Horn’s advice doesn’t help, we offer some ideas for children of any age from ImperfectParent.com, in the article “The Imperfect Parent’s Guide to Parent-Teacher Conferences.” These responses, for example, may come in handy if discussion of your child’s progress takes a downward spiral:

∑ “Her doctor says she has a microhectaglobin deficiency that makes it difficult to learn state capitals.”
∑ “Television has given her the impression she can coast on her charm and good looks.”
∑ “We think he is unable to focus in second grade because he’s been very troubled by the ongoing postponement of the release of prisoners at Guantanamo.”
∑ “I don’t think the drawing looks that much like you. And ‘Mrs. Poopface’ might be a term of endearment.”

If those responses don’t work, the Imperfect Parent’s Guide suggests these:

∑ “What if I made some sort of ‘gift’ to the PTA?”
∑ “Did I mention my husband is an attorney?”

Seriously, the two of us had many years of very pleasant parent-teacher conferences, even when the news was not so good. Frequent communication between home and school and collaboration between parent and teacher are what make conferences productive. A little humor will make everyone look forward to them.