When the relatives come

By Lu Lewis & Edna Varner

If you want to know how people really feel about having their relatives come, you have to ask before, during and after the visit. Even with three rounds of data collection, we have done just enough scientific investigations to know that to get accurate information on the subject, you also have to account for certain variables: How many people will be coming? Is it a forced visit, or by invitation? How long will the relatives be staying? How many generations will be represented when everyone is under one roof? (Even if some folks are staying at a local hotel, the care and feeding of different generations who will be in one place for a whole evening is more important than you may think!)

The purpose of the visit is a category unto itself. Family reunions can become family feuds when the talk turns to the Catholic cousin who shaved her head and joined a religion someone made up in their garage, or when the debate gets heated over exactly which ancestors really held the family together during hard times. We’ve known occasions like weddings to spin completely out of control if you serve any beverage stronger than Coca-Cola to certain kin whose names will not be mentioned (but everyone knows who they are). Fortunately, the most notoriously insensitive relatives tend to be on their better behavior for holiday visits or funerals.

The two of us agree that summer vacations and holiday visits are at the top of our list of favorites. The “summer relatives” come when school is out and days are sunny, long and lazy. In her book, The Relatives Came, Cynthia Rylant describes a summer visit that mirrors our own happy recollections of cousins and other extended family members descending upon our little house:

“The relatives weren’t particular about beds, which was good because there
weren’t any extras, so a few squeezed in with us and the rest slept on the floor,
some with their arms thrown over the closest person, or some with an arm
thrown across one person and a leg thrown across another.”

Holidays are special anyway, so “holiday relatives” are like extra presents—that is, if we communicate well in advance what we like in a gift. In “When Relatives Visit,” Carleton Kendrick, coauthor of Take Your Nose Ring Out, Honey, We’re Going to Grandma’s, offers this helpful advice for keeping harmony during holidays:

“The two most important things you can do to preserve family harmony duringthe holidays are: Plan and Understand. Establishing some simple ground-rules before get-togethers helps prevent misunderstandings. And when the family is together and imperfect behavior threatens to strain relations, a little tact and understanding can go a long way.”

If you are the relative coming to town, writer D.A. Garrido in “How to Make Visiting Your Family More Fun” has advice for houseguests:

“Decide to enjoy the trip. Plan well, and then relax. Focus on being together and how important your family is. Try not to fall into the old traps with parents and siblings. Remember that parents never stop being parents, and kids don’t stop being kids either. Laugh about these old tendencies.”

Finally, Lu offers her own tips on helping children adjust when the relatives come:

• No matter how well you plan, family routines will be disrupted when someone comes. Think about how you feel when someone upsets your routine. It’s very discombobulating, so develop some strategies and funny signals to keep spirits high when the disruptions start.
• If a child is giving up his sleeping area, prepare the area with your child and leave something for the guest from your child—a drawing, a vase of flowers, a toy, a book. Your adult guest will make much of this, and it makes everyone feel better.
• Prepare a craft that’s new to all the children; this saves the pain of sharing and turf issues.
• If a cousin or friend will share your child’s toys, discuss with your child what toys are best to share, or what games your company would like to play. Put a few toys away, so your child knows he doesn’t have to share everything.
• Send children outside to play, so they can invent their own fun. Remember how much we enjoyed that before the days of ready-made games?
• Separate the children and read books of their choice, giving them time away from each other. Overly stimulated children usually do not behave appropriately, so plan a balance of activities.
• Keep adult conflict away from the children. This is different than inner-family conflict, and your child, no matter how young, will wish to protect you. You are the most important person to him or her, and when someone upsets you who is strange to the house, this intensifies the feeling.

Let’s face it: We all love our family and friends. Hundreds of our fondest memories are wrapped around the stories we shared crowded in a family room that was never meant to hold the entire family tree, or spilling out all over the back porch and every available lawn chair or stump in someone’s yard. When the relatives come, try to relax and enjoy the company. Laugher is better than stress for children (and adults). Fun is better than perfection. They will leave. So enjoy the moments.