Avoiding “third-wheel” syndrome

Dear Childwise:

There are three little girls, all roughly the same age (about 5 or 6) who live in our neighborhood. One of them is my daughter. I have found that when two of them play together things generally go well, but when all three are together, someone ends up in tears because one of the three gets left out. This is my only child, and I grew up around mostly boys, who all played together. Is this typical? Is there some way to force these children not to be exclusive, or will this go away on its own?

Tired of Tears

Dear Tired of Tears,

The problem you are describing is pretty common, and I do think it is worth your efforts to try correcting it. You’ll probably have better luck if you can get the other parents on board, too. All the parents can talk to their own daughter to let her know that they are unhappy about one girl getting left out each time they play together. Have them think about what it feels like to get left out, and to commit that they won’t let any one of their friends feel that way. Let them know that you have decided that they either play happily together or don’t play at all. A little arguing and bickering is just fine, but at first you’ll have to stop their games as soon as trouble begins, just to get them to realize where things go wrong. I think they will figure out how to get along fine once they are faced with the possibility of not playing together at all!

Bridging the generation gap

Dear Chidwise:

This may be more of a grown-up problem than a kid problem. I am concerned because my father makes very unkind comments to my son, who is 15. My son has a pierced ear and longish hair, and my father likes to joke and talk about how he looks like a girl. I don’t really like the way my son chooses to look, either, but I’m trying to ride it out and hope it’s a phase. I think the way my father talks is actually making my son want to rebel more. When I ask him to quit, he says he’s just kidding. My son has told me he “hates” his grandfather. Do you have any suggestions?

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught:

I think you are doing the right thing letting your son experiment with his appearance at that age, and it probably is a phase. That is healthy experimentation on his part, unlike experimenting with drugs or crime, for instance, and that is healthy respect for space on your part. Teens need their space, but they still need their parents, too, so don’t give up on communication!
Your father may not realize that your son’s feelings are being hurt. Please let him know that they are. Ask him what life was like when he was a teen. When he’s done telling you how hard he worked, ask him what he did for fun and how he rebelled against his parents. Finally, ask him how he would like his grandson to think of him. Hopefully, he’ll get the message and treat your son more respectfully.