When a child says he’s being bullied, adults should listen—and then act

By Pam Guess, PhD

“I’m worried that my son is getting depressed. Kids at school constantly make fun of him and say things about him that aren’t true.”
The pleading concern expressed by this father, a friend with whom I was having coffee, reminded me of a similar worry described by a mom’s recent question to “Childwise,” the advice column I co-author for Chattanooga Parent. In both instances, parents were distressed about their children being bullied by other students at school.
Unfortunately, the concerns voiced by these parents aren’t uncommon. In contrast to the myth that such harassment is rare, or to claims that minimize it as “just part of growing up,” the occurrence of bullying is disturbingly common among children and youth. Based on a variety of studies, 30 to 64 percent of children across grade levels who have reported being bullied. When applied to an average-sized elementary school in Hamilton County, this would translate to 150 to 320 students per school who may have been teased, physically pushed, threatened, criticized, or lied about, or who may have received cruel text messages or e-mails.
These numbers are alarming, particularly in light of the potential negative effects of ongoing bullying. Those can include increased anxiety and depression, poor school achievement, school truancy and even suicide.
Parents, guardians, teachers, school administrators and all other adults in the lives of children must know how to respond to and, more importantly, how to prevent bullying among children and youth.
There are a number of online resources for detailed information about the incidences of bullying (such as the numbers presented above), as well as tips and intervention strategies for adults and children. (See “Resources and more information,” this page.)
Information from these sources suggests that bullying occurs most frequently in upper-elementary and middle-school grades. These are the years when children become more sensitive to how they fit in with their peers and are most vulnerable to judgments from their peers. That’s why adults are challenged not just to prevent bullying among children, but to facilitate peer support as a crucial part of that challenge.
So, how do we go about doing that? As adults, how do we respond to childhood bullying and teach our kids to respond to bullying from others?
First, we have to establish a few facts: what bullying is and what it isn’t; where bullying is likely to occur; common characteristics of bullies; and common characteristics of children who are bullied.
Second, we must listen to what our children tell us—and, in the case of bullying, what our children sometimes aren’t telling us. If a child tells us he is being criticized, teased, threatened or being bullied in any other way, we must respond in a serious way by listening to the child without interruption, reassuring the child that he’s done the right thing in telling us about it, and getting as much information as possible from the child about who is doing the bullying and where and when it’s happening.
What’s more difficult is listening for what our children aren’t telling us. That is, a child may not directly tell us she is being bullied. Instead, she may have frequent, unexplained physical complaints, she may avoid certain types of activities, or she might skip classes or school all together. Rather than rushing to punish her, we must take the time to carefully consider factors that might be at the root of these behaviors.
When we know that a child is being bullied, adults must take action. Again, the cost of bullying is far too high simply to suggest, “Just ignore them and they’ll leave you alone.” Responding in a concerned way lets the bullied child know an important message: that you, as an adult, care about and take seriously these behaviors, which are clearly wrong. This message, in itself, can offer a degree of protection against the potentially harmful results of being bullied.
So what does “taking action” look like? Again, the first action is always to listen to the child and to let him know that something will be done. Determining exactly what should be done, however, can be a delicate decision. If the response isn’t carefully considered, an adult might inadvertently worsen the bullying. For example, if a parent goes to the school to report the incident, but there’s no follow-up or, worse, a comprehensive response plan isn’t developed or already in place, this might cause the child who is being bullied to be more vulnerable for having told.
Comprehensive response plans frequently include the following components:

ß intervention on behalf of children who are bullied
ß a school policy that directly addresses bullying and outlines strategies staff members should follow
ß increased adult monitoring of areas in schools where bullying is more likely to occur
ß prevention programs that address bullying myths and potential problems within the school climate

It’s critical that school staff and other involved adults are allowed to have input in the development of an action plan. Getting input from the child who is being bullied is important as well.
It is never a minor event when our children are threatened, are the target of lies, are intentionally harmed, or are continually criticized. We must act .